Sunday, November 25, 2012

Autobiography-The beginning of the Arkansas Years



When we arrived in the small town of Atkins, Arkansas, we rented a one bedroom trailer with rose bud curtains.  We all slept together in the only bed that took up the entire bedroom.  There were many days that my mom hosed my brother and me off in the yard during the hot summer months.  Momma, as she began to be called, started working at Apple Dumpling Daycare and my brother and I were able to attend.  I started kindergarten.  My Uncle Gonzo drove the school van from Apple Dumpling Daycare to Atkins Elementary.   We continued to go to a conservative Baptist church.  Momma didn’t let us trick or treat and we were only allowed to be clowns or hoboes on Halloween.  We went to the church for a fall harvest party and had so much fun! They even had a haystack that you could search for prizes in.  On the way home, I begged my mom to let me go trick or treating at one house.  Of course, I picked the scariest house on the block!  A man jumped out of the ditch at me as I cuddled my mom’s waist.  My mom explained to the homeowners that it was my first time trick or treating.  I reluctantly took the candy and walked back with Momma to our trailer.

We were able to move into a new home quickly.  We called it our old mansion because it had five bedrooms, three bathrooms, and a den, such a big difference from our little trailer!  We had a pecan tree in our yard.  Momma used to make homemade pecan pies with nuts that Jason and I collected from the yard.  Our neighbor had a house that was filled with a doll display.  I used to go over and pretend that they were my dolls.  I looked at them, star-gazed, and hoped she would give me just one, but she never did.  I loved Christmas time in that old house.  Momma got me my own mini-Christmas tree to decorate all by myself in the den!  We threaded popcorn and cranberries for our large living room tree.  My favorite memory is waking up to her watching the 700 Club in the living room. 

Pecan Tree from health.com

It was around this time that my mom started to date.  I don’t know much about the beginning of their relationship.  I recall her hugging a man at Apple Dumpling daycare after he dropped his son off.  The next memory I have is us all going to his house.  I didn’t understand why he was leaving his two year old alone in the car while we all went inside.  He said it was because he was sleeping.  I felt sad for the little boy.  Another time, he left the little boy in his highchair and wouldn’t take him out.  I didn’t understand why he seemed so unkind.  I always left relieved that my mom loved me and would never leave me locked in a car, or alone in a high chair while we all played in another room.

I’ll never forget the day that my mom asked my brother and me if we thought she should marry this man.  I said, “He’s mean,” and I felt sad thinking of having him in our lives. They were married shortly after that.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Autobiography and Devotion

Hello, friends!

I am currently working on another project, a yearly devotion based on all that God is teaching me.  I am still writing my autobiography every Sunday.  I have not been able to write the past couple of weeks because of business travels.  I WILL be writing this Sunday!

Please read my devotions, also.  They are entitled Deep Calls to Deep based on Psalm 42:7a that states, "Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls."  This was written by David in En Gedi, one of my favorite spots in Israel.  I've encountered divinity, pain and restoration all in the waterfalls of En Gedi.  Please come on my journey with me.  I'd be delighted to hear of yours.


En Gedi Waterfall November 2011

Love,
Dawn
xoxo

Deep Calls to Deep Devotion 2

So, do not fear,
for I am with you;
do not be afraid,
For I am your God.
I will strengthen you; 
I help you.
I will hold onto you
with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

The Lord gave me this verse in 1999 when I was stuck in a bad LSD trip.  It's hard to believe that was ever my reality.  I feared being a "vegetable" for the rest of my life.  The demonic hallucinations wouldn't stop.  I would awaken to banging doors ringing through my mind, gripped with fear.  I begged my mom to pray for me at 3 a.m.  She simply asked, "God, please help Dawn."

I turned on all the lights in our living room, laid on the couch, and turned on the T.V.  I had never watched Christian television before, but landed on Cornerstone T.V., the Pittsburgh area Christian station.  Calming scenes of fields, sheep and rivers showed one after another.  Then, Scriptures began to show.  Isaiah 41:10 was one of them.  "Do not fear...I will help you."  Peace enveloped me and I slept.

When we have these divine encounters, these spiritual awakenings, it seems that they are one time events.  There are many times since then that the Lord has brought this Scripture across my path, but it has never been as clear of a dividing line of light and darkness as it was in the fall of 1999; however, I've learned since 1999 that this Scripture is true everyday. 

Today, on this Thanksgiving, I am impacted by the portion, "I will strengthen you," written before, "I will help you."  Day to day, He first strengthens us as He helps us.  If He didn't give us strength day to day while He helps, we would lose courage and shrink back.  Today cling to His strength and know it is there because He IS helping you.

Power Verse
1 Corinthians 1:4
He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God.


Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Deep Calls to Deep Devotion 1



Psalm 109:1-5

God of my praise, do not be silent.

For wicked and deceitful mouths open against me;
they speak against me with lying tongues.

They surround me with hateful words
and attack me without cause.

In return for my love they accuse me,
but I continue to pray.

They repay me evil for good,
and hatred for my love.

Have you ever experienced what the Psalmist experienced?  Wicked, deceitful lies spoken about you?  Hateful words surrounding you?  Have you been attacked without cause?  Have you spread love with a sincere heart only to be accused of being fake?  Have you been good to people and they've been evil back?  Have you done something special for someone, out of a pure heart of love, only to be hated?  I've been there.  It's so painful.  It makes me want to hide back in a shell, to cower.  Then I remember, "That's not who God created me to be."  That's not who God created YOU to be.

He created you to be "as bold as a lion."  He created you to receive massive love from Him that will enable you to pour it out.  He created you to stand for justice.  He created you to pray.

Prayer is the key to getting through lies spoken about you as you take your stand for truth.  When deceit is coming against you, half-truths, manipulation; pray.  When hateful words linger above your head, repeat in your mind over and over; pray.  When you are attacked verbally in hasty zealousness; pray.  When you are hated; pray.  

Prayer changes people's hearts.  It activates God to action.  It discharges angels.  Most importantly, it gives you divine interaction.  In prayer, you hear from God, giving you strength to be hated.  When you quiet yourself and listen, His presence comes in; His truth.  One Word from God, one gentle touch, and all else fades.  The voices, the noise, the lies, the chatter, all fade into the background.  It's just you and God.  Now, before you face the day, filled with accusations and hate, "continue to pray," and walk fully in His peace, as the lies bounce of your warrior chest.  

Power Verses

Proverbs 28:1
The righteous flee when no one is pursuing them, but the righteous are as bold as a lion.

2 Corinthians 10:5
...taking every thought captive to obey Christ.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Autobiography-Chapter 1 Tidbit


Less than a year later, my brother, Jason was born.  Being Irish twins, six days less than a year apart, we were the best of friends.  He followed me around, calling me sissy.  I loved bossing him around, but also taking care of him.  Because we were so close in age, my mom was weaning me from the bottle while he was still on it.  When she wasn’t looking, I would take it from him and start drinking.  When she’d catch me, I’d quickly shove the bottle up his nose as if I wasn’t doing anything wrong.  By this time we had moved into an apartment inland across the street from a high school football field.  Once, there was a fair on the field and we were able to go on an elephant ride!  I was surprised at the bristly hair sticking up all over the elephant.  I recall it prickling my legs and I wasn’t too happy about that.  I thought, “Elephant’s aren’t fun to ride.” 

My dad had not stayed in jail very long.  It was around this time that he was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and was told he would not live past age thirty, especially if he didn’t quit drinking.  This diagnosis caused my dad to drink harder instead of getting his act together.  Being a brand new father and husband, he was devastated, and plummeted into self destruction. He figured he wasn’t going to live long, so he might as well party it away.  In the meantime, my mom had given her heart to the Lord and started attending a Baptist Church with my brother and me.  She prayed and believed my dad would also surrender, but his partying continued.  The drugs were taking a toll on his mind.  My mom took Jason and me to her hometown in Pennsylvania to be with her family.  When we returned to Oceanside, my dad had sold everything we owned. All of our clothes, furniture, high chairs, everything. I was so sad wondering where my Strawberry Shortcake tin lunchbox was.  My mom was outraged and said dad sold it for drugs and alcohol.  Dad recently told me that he sold it for revenge because he thought mom was visiting an ex-boyfriend in Pittsburgh.  It’s sad that he really didn’t know her character at all.  She had become a dedicated Christian and wanted their marriage to work.  We visited my family in Pittsburgh and came back to California to an empty house because of delusional, drug-induced thinking. 

Mom started leading a Neighborhood Bible School for kids called The Good News Club.  I was three years old when I first learned that Jesus wanted to forgive me of my sins so I could go to heaven.  I remember sitting in our home hearing this message and thinking in my little heart that I needed Him.  When I raised my hand, standing to give my heart to Jesus, I thought, “My mom is going to be happy.”  I genuinely had a conversion experience at that moment.  The Holy Spirit came to live inside of me and He never left.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Autobiography-Israel 2008

*This is a portion of the story of my third trip to Israel.*






I arrived at the Pittsburgh International airport with plenty of time to catch my Continental flight to Newark.  As I checked in on the convenient touch-screen, non-human machine, an attendant came to help me.  My passport shows two middle names, Melissa and Sarah, while my ticket only showed Melissa.  I was concerned this would cause an issue, but she assured me it wouldn’t.  As she touch-screened through prompts, she made me aware that I did not have an actual seat on the Tel Aviv connection in Newark.  She asked if I would accept $400 to wait and take another flight.

“Absolutely not!”  I retorted, “I must be in Tel Aviv so I can attend a meeting in Jerusalem on Friday.” 

She quickly pressed through the prompt that I had rejected and handed me a boarding pass without an assigned seat on it.  She advised me to go to the gate as soon as I reached Newark and tell them, “I must be on that flight.”

“How can one pay $1800 for a flight and not have a seat?”  I asked, sarcastically.  I didn’t really expect an answer.  Somehow, I supposed that throwing around the fact that the seat was expensive would solve my problem.  Obviously it didn’t.  I quickly started down the hall as my stomach growled, reminding me that during my rush to buy last minute items and pack, I had not eaten lunch.  After a quick, healthy dinner at Fridays, I sat down in my gate as a woman complained that flights to Newark are always delayed.  Her husband exhorted her, “It will not be delayed this time.”  I glanced at the screen:  Newark 5:55 p.m. ON TIME.  Then an announcement thundered, “Ladies and gentlemen, Newark flight 3245 has been delayed until 6:30 due to bad weather.”  

Around 7:30 we filed onto the plane and waited another hour before taking off.  I sat on the small plane next to a businessman. I pulled out my bible to cling to God for peace.  The stewardess walked past, noticing the bible and said, “That’s a really good book.” I smiled and replied, “Amen, it’s my favorite.”  “I have mine, too.”  She said.


I continued to read and meditate.  During these times of delay, I usually am keenly aware that the opportunity for a divine appointment is often in the works.  I remembered my prayer earlier that morning, “Lord, I ask for divine appointments today and the strength to walk through them.”

We exchanged friendly conversation as I read the back of my boarding pass.  You must be at the gate and checked in at least 30 minutes prior to boarding for an international flight.  Asking what time it was, I quickly realized that I probably would not be making my connection.  I looked out the window and prayed, “Lord, you are the one controlling the skies.  It was your hand that made this plane delayed.  I trust you.  I trust you to get me on the plane and if it isn’t your will I submit.”  I had such peace covering me.  The time 11 rang in my spirit.  I believed my next flight would be leaving at 11.  Then two thoughts starting running through my mind, along with the familiar nudging that I often mistake, ignore, or question. 

“Pray for him.  Pray for his wife.”

I looked at the man sitting beside me.  “Sir, may I be praying for you for anything?” I questioned, sincerely looking him in the face while trying to remain calm, even though this part of following the Lord is one of the most uncomfortable for me.

He looked around, seeming nervous, yet unsure of what to say.  I continued to softly look at him and cautiously asked, “What about your wife?”

“Yes, she could use prayer, she is really stressed out right now.  I want to move.  I want her to want to move.  I want a fresh start.”

The Lord began to minister through me.  As I encouraged him, I began writing a note for him and his wife.  Through the Holy Spirit, I said with confidence, “Your wife’s life is going to change dramatically within the next week or two.  When it does, please remember this conversation.  God loves you.  God loves your wife.”

“Oh, I will remember this conversation.  I will tell me wife about it.”

I ripped the back of my old boarding pass that had my hand written note on it.  He looked down as I handed it to him and read: “Phil 4:6-7.  Be encouraged.  Stay strong.” 

He looked at it, chuckled, folded the note and put it in the front pocket of his light blue, Ralph Lauren dress shirt.  He said he would be sure to read the Scripture with his wife.  The plane touched down shortly after our conversation ended.  I leaped up, asking, “What time is it!?” 

“10:45.” A voice in front of me said.  Peace still consumed me.  I assumed that meant I would make my flight and be on the way to Israel soon.  As soon as I got off the plane, I ran through the airport to gate C138, about 20 gates away from where I was.  I glanced at the departure screen. Tel Aviv 11 p.m. now.­   I read it, realizing that earlier it was the Holy Spirit telling me what time the plane would be leaving.  I continued to run through the airport.  I thought, “Will I actually make this flight?”

I began running through the food court, following signs for gate 138.  Then a sign read, Tel Aviv Secured Boarding with an arrow pointing the opposite way of the gate sign.  My mind began to spin.  “Which way should I go?”  I ran towards the impromptu sign, as I passed by rows of chairs.  I looked to my left at a blocked off area.  I called to a man behind a desk, “Where do I catch a flight for Tel Aviv?” 

“Go through there!”  He shouted and pointed towards the blocked area.  I squeezed through the small opening in the solid white, make shift gates.  I was met by 5 TSA officials on the other side.  They began speaking boldly and sharply, “You can’t just bust through here like that!  The plane is gone!”  I looked around frantically and continued to half walk half run towards the gate.  “Ma’am, the plane is gone!  You need to go to customer service.’  They gave no other option or hope. 

Tears poured down my face.  Even though I had decided to trust God, doubt began to rise in my heart, a lack of confidence.  Often times, it’s because I’ve already decided the outcome of the peace that passes all understanding.  When God’s peace doesn’t lead to what I think it should, I forget that His peace reminds me of His good, pleasing, and perfect will.  I sat down and cried as soon as I was away from the crowd.  I get very emotional traveling by myself so much.  The last 5 times I have flown have been very difficult experiences.  I’ve learned just to let the tears out.  Thoughts weren’t going through my mind.  I just cried with my face buried in my hands.  I stood up and began walking to customer service slowly.  It was a little before 11.  “I should have taken the $400!”  I thought.

I waited in line, crying.  I wondered a few times, “Why am I so emotional?”  A woman in front of me began talking with me.  She, too was on her way to Tel Aviv from Florida and had missed the flight.  “They even called ahead for me!”  She exclaimed.  I began to get angry.  I wanted compensation!  They knew I didn’t have a seat.  I wouldn’t have gotten on the plane, anyway!  I ranted in my mind as this Jewish woman began telling me that she runs tours for a hospital in the north of Israel near Lebanon.  The hospital has 450 underground beds in case there is another war, in addition to the 750 beds upstairs.  I told her about the Bridges for Peace food bank in Karmiel that has food reserved in case there is another war on the border.  I told her, “We should partner together.  Do you take volunteers?”  My mind reeled with ideas for Zealous as she said, “I knew you were gonna ask that.”  We began discussing legalities of insurance for volunteers and foreigners.  We both arrived at the desk at the same time.  The women impatiently told us, “We can’t give you compensation, and we are out of hotel rooms.  The best we can do is give you a pillow, blanket and meal coupons.”  I was outraged.  After exchanging a few more words, I asked in a monotone voice for the pillow, blanket, meal coupons, manager’s name and phone number along with hers.  As I walked away, tears again stung my eyes.  I sat down in front of a CNN broadcast and began to cry. 

Northern Israel

“Hamas and Israel agree to a truce to end rocket fire,” the news broadcaster boomed.  I looked up at the T.V. and watched Israelis and Palestinians picking up broken, bloodied bodies of friends and families.  The newscaster continued to share decisions that had been made with the help of Egypt while images of the fighting in Gaza continued to be shown.

My vision was blurred with tears as I watched the bias media reporting as if Israel was a co-terrorist in this Arab-Israeli on-going conflict.  “They are just defending themselves!”  I screamed in my heart.

I bowed my head and prayed, “Lord, it’s all worth it.  Sleeping in an airport overnight is worth it for your people, IsraelIsrael is worth it.” 

“Dawn!”  I heard someone shout.  I wiped my tears and looked to my left.  The Jewish woman from the line, Judy was calling me.  “I have an idea.” She called.

I walked over to her as she began to say, “We either ask for a second blanket and make a bed on the floor or we pitch in on a hotel room.”  Then her face lit up as a new idea popped in her mind, “I know!   I’m gonna use my age to get us a room!”  She exclaimed. The cute, grayed hair woman began walking back to the desk.  Judy went to the counter again and explained that she is 64 with bad knees and a bad back.  “I can’t be sleeping on the ground!”  She said, and turned and smiled at me.

“We really don’t have any vouchers left, but I will print you one, anyway,” said the clerk, “there is no guarantee that you will get a room, though.”

Judy and I ran outside to the shuttle for Howard Johnson, knowing that the chances of us getting a room were slim.  As we arrived outside, we were told that the Howard Johnson shuttle had just left.  I sat down and decided it was time to email Bridges for Peace headquarters in Israel to let them know I would not be arriving at the anticipated time.  The young man in charge of the wandering people outside continued to shepherd us from the corner of the sheltered sidewalk.  Judy looked down at me on the bench.  “Why don’t you use your girlyness to find out when the next shuttle is going to come?  Go see if you can get him to call the hotel.”  I looked at her and smiled.  She had used her age; I suppose I could return the favor and use my youthfulness.  I walked up to the guard, smiling.  “Hello.”  I said.  He looked a little shy and eager all at once to speak with me.  He quickly agreed to call the hotel for me and ran inside.  I walked back to Judy, laughing.  “Is he doing it?”  She asked.  Still laughing, I nodded my head, then shook my head and continued my email.  He came running out and let us know that the shuttle would be arriving any minute.  As he said this, it pulled up.  I had my laptop out and luggage in pieces.  I stood up, thinking “how can I repack and get to that shuttle quickly all at the same time?”  The young guard had the answer as he began carrying my stuff for me.  People milled all around us.  The guard continued to speak to me with blushed cheeks.  “Thank you so much for all you help.”  I thanked him with sincerity.  “People like you make our job much easier.”  He replied, after loading my luggage on the shuttle.  Judy and I exchanged glances and settled in our seat amongst many foreigners.  Our driver, from Ghana spoke loudly on his cell phone, while an old 80’s rock tune played on the shuttle.  Before I sat down, I saw the drivers name badge.  It boasted one of the names of God, Emmanuel.  I looked towards the Lord.  “God with us,” I thought as we sped away from the airport towards our unknown destination. God with us is the meaning of Emmanuel, the name of the Lord that consistently draws me to Him.

Me in the Mediterranean Sea on the border of Lebanon

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Saturday, October 20, 2012

Autobiography-The Beginnings of Chapter One


***As some of you may have read, I am writing my autobiography and am posting portions of it here.  This is all raw, unread, not reviewed.  I invite you on my journey of writing my FIRST book!  Hopefully, the first of many.***



I am the first born child of Mary and Michael, born in Oceanside, California.  My mom was 22 and my dad was 24 when they had me.  It was a long 24 hour labor.  My paternal grandmother, Phyllis, and mom often retell the story to me.  My mom wanted my Grandmother in the room with her, but the doctors kept making her leave.  Over and over, mom would call Grandma back and over and over, the doctors had her leave.  Finally, I came into the world at 5 pounds 4 ounces.  The doctor’s announced, “It’s a girl!”  Before I was even cleaned up, I was placed in my Grandmother’s arms as the doctor told her, “You deserve this.”  That day began a special bond between my Grandmother and me.  My Grandmother still laughs when she recalls my mom announcing, “I’m hungry!”  The nurses asked, “Well, what would you like?”  My ravished mother says, “Well, what did everyone else have?  I’ll have that!”  My Grandmother says it was a burger, my mother insists it was steak.  When my mother brought me home, my dad had made a huge sign on our beach front apartment saying, “It’s a girl!”  They were so proud, but with the happiness also came darkness.



Shortly after I was born, the police knocked on the door, arresting my father and handcuffing my mother.  They were being arrested because my father was growing pot outside of our home.  My mom said, “That’s his!  Why am I being arrested?”  The cops said, “You knew about it.  You should have reported him.”  My mom now tells me, “Why would I have reported my own husband?  I thought that was his thing.”  I began crying, just a few days old, and my mom told the police that she needed to nurse me.  They took the handcuffs off and let me feed, while they took my dad to jail.  They told my mom, “The only reason you’re not going to jail is because you’re nursing.”  That was the beginning of my life; the beginning of a long journey with a mom who was a brand new, born-again Christian, and a wild, alcoholic, drug-addicted dad.