Wednesday, October 30, 2013

What's on My Ella Newborn Playlist

**I little something I wrote and never published when Ella was just a few months old.**

Over the months, I have collected 24 random songs on an "Ella Newborn" playlist.  They are an eclectic sort of songs that I sing to her, songs that I've worshiped to in response to my gift of her, and songs I listened to during my first pregnancy 15 years ago.  Here is a sampling with my reasoning.  I love the new memories being made with this songs!

First, I have songs I sing to her on my playlist.  She just LOVES to be sung to.  The first time my mom heard me, I was singing Payphone by Maroon 5.  I think it fits perfectly!  My mom said, "You don't sing lullabies like, "Rock a By Baby?"  "No!" I said, "that song freaks me out...I don't want my baby falling out of a tree!"  My little darling laughs and coos as I sing, not realizing that I'm out of key...or maybe that's why she is laughing?  Here is a sampling.

"Baby Mine" Bette Midler
"Baby mine, don't you cry, Baby mine, dry your eyes, Rest your head close to my heart, Never to party, baby of mine."
This is the first song I sang to her.  It came to my mind daily when I brought her home from the hospital.  It creeps me out!  All I can think about is Dumbo's mom dying when I hear it.  Yet, I couldn't get it out of my mind during her early days.

"Ice Cream" Sarah McLachlan
"Your love is better than ice cream, better than anything else that I've tried."
She has an ice cream onesie and since the first day she wore it, this song has become my ballad to her.

"Moon River" Frank Sinatra version
"Moon river, longer than a mile...Two drifters off to see the world, There's such a lot of world to see
We're after the same rainbow's end, Waiting 'round the bend, My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me."
Scott is my huckleberry friend and Ella is my moon river.  Our family is on an adventure with the Lord.

I have supplication songs that were cried out during my post partum blues.

"Healer" Planet Shakers
"I believe you're my healer.  I believe you are all I're more than enough for me.  Jesus, you're all I need."
I sang this during my hardest post partum depression days, declaring that God could heal me.  I sang to Jesus in the shower, as hot water poured down and I cried.  His presence filled my bathroom.

"The Shadow Proves the Sunshine" Switchfoot
"Sunshine, won't you be my mother, Sunshine, come and help me sing, My heart is darker than these oceans, My heart is frozen underneath...We are crooked souls trying to stay up straight, Dry eyes in the pouring rain, The shadow proves the sunshine, The shadow proves the sunshine."
I knew I'd get through it.  This song brought me back to my first Israel trip in 2007.  I listened to it everyday there.  Going back to that place in my heart with the Lord brought great comfort and serenity.

Of course, there are worship songs, in response to my great thankfulness for the gift of my little Ella Bella!

Father of Lights, Burning Ones, and I will not forget you.

And lastly, the songs I just added today were hits that got me through my first pregnancy and the heart-wrenching pain surrounding it.  When I hear them, it brings an even greater healing to my soul.  I sit here with my Ella and am in awe of God for His joy, His restoration, His promises fulfilled.  THANK YOU, LORD, THANK YOU.

Sarah Smile,  Hard for me to say I'm sorry, I don't ever want to see you again, I belong to you, and, if only I could find it on I-tunes, I would definitely have It's over now by Danny Boy.

"Music is the art which is most nigh to tears and memory." Oscar Wilde

Post Partum Depression

The demonic 7 pound figure withered with clenched fists and bent knees.  The skin sagged behind the knees, wrinkled on the hands.  It made sounds I had never heard, causing my toes to curl and my teeth to grind.  It moved in awkward motions, begging for one more drink.  I hovered over the figure trying to fixate my eyes to see correctly.  I stared at it, my hands gripped on either side of it's make shift bed.  Tears rolled down my cheeks as I recalled a story I had heard of a you tube video of a mom killing her two year old because she thought he was demonic.

I reasoned with myself, "This is your daughter.  The way you're seeing her isn't truth."  I continued to cry, pools of tears spilling slowly over my face, inching into the corners of my mouth, my stomach in pain from the deep incision in my abdomen.  I forced myself to stare into her face while fighting the urge to throw her.  My mind was chaos, the pain was deep.  I spoke to myself again, "This is a spiritual battle.  The enemy is trying to destroy you and your daughter during a vulnerable time.  You will get through this."  I picked up my darling and held her little body close.  I would not give in to the irrational Post Partum Depression, although it literally felt as if someone had turned the lights off, put a dark bag over my head and was tormenting me with a cruel joke with me as the punch line.  At times I felt that I would be able to rip the shroud off my eyes and see light again, yet the shroud was over my mind; it wasn't physical, I couldn't rip it off.  I went to sleep and woke to yet the same veil of darkness day after day after day after day.

Today, I read of a young Pennsylvanian woman who committed suicide due to Post Partum depression just a few weeks ago.  It gripped me.  It took me away from my priorities tonight.  It brought me to a place of deep prayer for her husband and daughter because...I was there.  I sat in my room and pumped and cried and breastfed and cried and balled my hands in fists and cried...for no rational reason.  I wasn't sad because I was fat, I wasn't self pitying, I wasn't sad because my life was no longer my own....PPD isn't born out of selfishness.  It makes no sense to the rational's. just. there.  Yet, during the months of intense emotional pain, I was able to recall the alive God I serve, that I had given my life and heart to, and beg Him to show me what to do to get through this.  In my devastation, as if living the death of a best friend day in and day out, I was able to remember that there was a spiritual battle going on.  There was more than met the eye.

Day after day, I forced myself to dress, I forced myself to put make up on, I was raw and real to my husband...and I grieved and fought the spiritual realm until exhaustion.  This is a tid bit of what my days were like during the darkness.  It's only recently that I'm starting to feel somewhat human, like the light is dawning again.

One person had written condolences on a blog for this young lady stating, "No one could have known that she would be shattered by something that should have been her ultimate happiness."  By God's grace, I was able to recognize that I would be destroyed by a gift He had given me if I didn't persevere.  Yes, it was devastating seeing my baby as a demoniac day after day, hearing her cries as evil day after day, why couldn't I see the beauty God created?  Yet, a rainbow always comes after rain, darkness always leaves, and the only thing that kept me going was, "This won't last forever."

In your darkest days, always remember, Emotions don't always tell the truth, sometimes, they are just a symptom.