Today I learn to live life without her

I went back to work today.  I took the same route.  The same people said hello.  The same people didn't.  The work was there. The emails were there.

But I have changed.

You aren't here.  You can't be called.  I can't visit you.

We still have to clean your apartment, and we're weary with grief.

But, we are moving forward and learning to live without you.

I can feel the peace of God surrounding me.  He promises to , "Be close to the brokenhearted."  He is proving that.

"How lucky I am to have had something that makes saying goodbye so hard."  Winnie the Pooh

Conversations with Grandma, "Grandma and Africa"

"You know Dawn, I never fully surrendered my life to God.  I always held onto it a little bit because I was afraid He'd send me to Africa.  And now I look at you.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that my little girl would be so surrendered to Him."

"Thanks, Grandma, now I have to go to Africa!"

A cloud of calm sadness shadowed her face as she learned I was going.  She didn't want me to, but she didn't argue with me.  Several days later, I received an envelope in the mail from her.  It was filled with newspaper clippings on terrible things that were happening in Africa!  The envelopes came here and there.  I laughed when I opened them, my heart softened towards her, but remained steadfast on leaving for the medical mission's trip.

Then the letters stopped.  I visited her and she apologized, "I realize you must go, so I'm sorry I sent you clippings to scare you. But I won't give you any money to go, so maybe you won't have enough and can't go."

"That's ok, Grandma, God will do it."  I kissed her and prayed for her as I always did before leaving her home.

Kenya, Africa

I Miss Her

"Dawn Melisser, the little Pisser!"  

"Don't let your mom know I said that." 

~Grandma

Grandma, the pain is so real, so alive, crying out, "You loved someone!"

You took me by the hand from birth, guided me along broken roads, reminding me, "You can conquer."

You kept a watchful eye on guys that would try to harm me.  You let me fight my own battles, while reminding me, "You are a tiger."

I can believe you're gone, but I don't want you to be gone.

I want you here.

But as I prayed the last few weeks, "Please bring Grandma home, and don't let her suffer."

That's what YOU did.

So I will trust.

And Wait.

Until I see you again.

He Is With You-Deep Cries to Deep Devotion 9

"The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."

Psalm 121:8

I sat up straight in bed, my heart racing, a cold sweat on face.  The endless banging on doors throughout the house shattered my sleep.  I felt cold, clammy.  "H-h-help me, help me oh..." Eerie Beastie Boys lyrics from the song, "Escape from the Hospital," filled the room. I turned the stereo off, delirious, my eyes not adjusting to the darkness.  I made my way down the hall, visions of demons tormenting my mind, chilled nausea filling my body.  I entered my mom's room, climbing into her bed in tears, "Mom, please pray for me.  I'm tripping again, " yet had not taken any acid, "I don't want to be a vegetable."  The prayer was short and simple in my mom's exhaustion of dealing with my mental state for so long.  "God, please help her."

I walked downstairs, turning on the lights to see my pupils dilated, covering the blue, even with the lights on.  Recalling that acid dilates the eyes, I held my eyes to the light to pin them.  Laying on the couch in the bright living room light, I turned on the T.V. for comfort.  I flipped through the channels to the local Christian station that I did not know existed.  Calming music filled the room and I sensed peace as scenes rolling meadows, sheep grazing, bright morning skies filled the screen one after another.  A Scripture showed up on the screen, "The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."  It remained on the screen, then faded as another nature scene arrived.  "I am the Lord who takes hold of your right hand."  I had never heard these Scriptures before.  Was the God of the Universe reaching down to me?  A 17 year old druggie?  An acid head that had just signed herself out of the mental hospital while remaining stuck in a bad trip for over a week?  The next Scripture confirmed His heart for me, "Do not fear, I will help you."  What were the chances that I would stumble on this at 4 a.m. by flipping through channels and landing on one I didn't know existed?  What are the chances? Divine help.

I will help you.  Our short prayer.  He is going to help me!  Tears poured down my face, I sat up in clarity with clasped hands, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"  I fell asleep in peace for the first time in months.

When we don't know where to turn, turn to Him.  Look up.  Whisper, "Help me," and He will.  Until this day, I am in my right mind.  Until this day, He has helped me.  I wish I could say that encounter set me on a path of seeking Him, surrender to Him, but it did not.  It would be four more years of heartache and self-deprecation before I finally said, "I'll let you help me."

Don't wait.  Let Him help you today.  You are so loved. xoxo

Not my image, subject to copyright

Power Verses

"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

"Surely I am with you, even until the end of the age."  Jesus in Matthew 28:20

"In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me live in safety." Psalm 4:8

What's on My Ella Newborn Playlist

**I little something I wrote and never published when Ella was just a few months old.**

Over the months, I have collected 24 random songs on an "Ella Newborn" playlist.  They are an eclectic sort of songs that I sing to her, songs that I've worshiped to in response to my gift of her, and songs I listened to during my first pregnancy 15 years ago.  Here is a sampling with my reasoning.  I love the new memories being made with this songs!

First, I have songs I sing to her on my playlist.  She just LOVES to be sung to.  The first time my mom heard me, I was singing Payphone by Maroon 5.  I think it fits perfectly!  My mom said, "You don't sing lullabies like, "Rock a By Baby?"  "No!" I said, "that song freaks me out...I don't want my baby falling out of a tree!"  My little darling laughs and coos as I sing, not realizing that I'm out of key...or maybe that's why she is laughing?  Here is a sampling.

"Baby Mine" Bette Midler
"Baby mine, don't you cry, Baby mine, dry your eyes, Rest your head close to my heart, Never to party, baby of mine."
This is the first song I sang to her.  It came to my mind daily when I brought her home from the hospital.  It creeps me out!  All I can think about is Dumbo's mom dying when I hear it.  Yet, I couldn't get it out of my mind during her early days.

"Ice Cream" Sarah McLachlan

"Your love is better than ice cream, better than anything else that I've tried."

She has an ice cream onesie and since the first day she wore it, this song has become my ballad to her.

"Moon River" Frank Sinatra version

"Moon river, longer than a mile...Two drifters off to see the world, There's such a lot of world to see

We're after the same rainbow's end, Waiting 'round the bend, My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me."

Scott is my huckleberry friend and Ella is my moon river.  Our family is on an adventure with the Lord.

I have supplication songs that were cried out during my post partum blues.

"Healer" Planet Shakers

"I believe you're my healer.  I believe you are all I need...you're more than enough for me.  Jesus, you're all I need."
I sang this during my hardest post partum depression days, declaring that God could heal me.  I sang to Jesus in the shower, as hot water poured down and I cried.  His presence filled my bathroom.

"The Shadow Proves the Sunshine" Switchfoot
"Sunshine, won't you be my mother, Sunshine, come and help me sing, My heart is darker than these oceans, My heart is frozen underneath...We are crooked souls trying to stay up straight, Dry eyes in the pouring rain, The shadow proves the sunshine, The shadow proves the sunshine."
I knew I'd get through it.  This song brought me back to my first Israel trip in 2007.  I listened to it everyday there.  Going back to that place in my heart with the Lord brought great comfort and serenity.

Of course, there are worship songs, in response to my great thankfulness for the gift of my little Ella Bella!

Father of Lights, Burning Ones, and I will not forget you.

And lastly, the songs I just added today were hits that got me through my first pregnancy and the heart-wrenching pain surrounding it.  When I hear them, it brings an even greater healing to my soul.  I sit here with my Ella and am in awe of God for His joy, His restoration, His promises fulfilled.  THANK YOU, LORD, THANK YOU.

Sarah Smile,  Hard for me to say I'm sorry, I don't ever want to see you again, I belong to you, and, if only I could find it on I-tunes, I would definitely have It's over now by Danny Boy.

"Music is the art which is most nigh to tears and memory." Oscar Wilde

Post Partum Depression

The demonic 7 pound figure withered with clenched fists and bent knees.  The skin sagged behind the knees, wrinkled on the hands.  It made sounds I had never heard, causing my toes to curl and my teeth to grind.  It moved in awkward motions, begging for one more drink.  I hovered over the figure trying to fixate my eyes to see correctly.  I stared at it, my hands gripped on either side of it's make shift bed.  Tears rolled down my cheeks as I recalled a story I had heard of a you tube video of a mom killing her two year old because she thought he was demonic.

I reasoned with myself, "This is your daughter.  The way you're seeing her isn't truth."  I continued to cry, pools of tears spilling slowly over my face, inching into the corners of my mouth, my stomach in pain from the deep incision in my abdomen.  I forced myself to stare into her face while fighting the urge to throw her.  My mind was chaos, the pain was deep.  I spoke to myself again, "This is a spiritual battle.  The enemy is trying to destroy you and your daughter during a vulnerable time.  You will get through this."  I picked up my darling and held her little body close.  I would not give in to the irrational Post Partum Depression, although it literally felt as if someone had turned the lights off, put a dark bag over my head and was tormenting me with a cruel joke with me as the punch line.  At times I felt that I would be able to rip the shroud off my eyes and see light again, yet the shroud was over my mind; it wasn't physical, I couldn't rip it off.  I went to sleep and woke to yet the same veil of darkness day after day after day after day.

Today, I read of a young Pennsylvanian woman who committed suicide due to Post Partum depression just a few weeks ago.  It gripped me.  It took me away from my priorities tonight.  It brought me to a place of deep prayer for her husband and daughter because...I was there.  I sat in my room and pumped and cried and breastfed and cried and balled my hands in fists and cried...for no rational reason.  I wasn't sad because I was fat, I wasn't self pitying, I wasn't sad because my life was no longer my own....PPD isn't born out of selfishness.  It makes no sense to the rational mind...it's. just. there.  Yet, during the months of intense emotional pain, I was able to recall the alive God I serve, that I had given my life and heart to, and beg Him to show me what to do to get through this.  In my devastation, as if living the death of a best friend day in and day out, I was able to remember that there was a spiritual battle going on.  There was more than met the eye.

Day after day, I forced myself to dress, I forced myself to put make up on, I was raw and real to my husband...and I grieved and fought the spiritual realm until exhaustion.  This is a tid bit of what my days were like during the darkness.  It's only recently that I'm starting to feel somewhat human, like the light is dawning again.

One person had written condolences on a blog for this young lady stating, "No one could have known that she would be shattered by something that should have been her ultimate happiness."  By God's grace, I was able to recognize that I would be destroyed by a gift He had given me if I didn't persevere.  Yes, it was devastating seeing my baby as a demoniac day after day, hearing her cries as evil day after day, why couldn't I see the beauty God created?  Yet, a rainbow always comes after rain, darkness always leaves, and the only thing that kept me going was, "This won't last forever."

In your darkest days, always remember, Emotions don't always tell the truth, sometimes, they are just a symptom.

The Africa Years

HERE IS AN EXCERPT FROM THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY I'M WORKING ON.  ENJOY, REMEMBERING THIS IS A ROUGH DRAFT!  I HAVE BEEN SPEAKING WITH A PUBLISHER, BUT MOST OF ALL PRAYING THAT THE LORD WILL PUBLISH THIS BOOK AND USE IT TO SHOW HOW MUCH HE LOVES PEOPLE.  IF HE DID THESE MIRACLES FOR ME, HE'LL DO THEM FOR YOU TOO!

Just a little sampling of a picture from my third trip to Africa. 
Just wanted to wet your taste buds:-)

The materialism, the love for metal hoop earrings, the declaration of name brands that I boldly boasted of when complimented on a shirt, purse, or scarf began to sicken me.  I hated who I had become.  I bought into the lie that my identity would only be found in being “hot” from head to toe.   After nearing death through addiction at such a young age, I realized NONE of it mattered.  It didn’t matter if my toes were pedicured.  It didn’t matter if my shoes matched my purse or didn’t depending on the fad.  It didn’t matter how my hair was cut or even if I had six pack abs as long as I was healthy!  None of it mattered!  And yet, I was stuck.  I was stuck without an identity apart from those stupid hoop earrings.  I longed to be free.  I longed to know the simplicity of Christ.  How was I to change after feeding my mind and heart with this lie for so many years?  There were two simple answers in my 22 year old mind: remove the toe nail polish and go to Africa.

The story of how God brought me to Africa not once, not twice, but three times in a six year period can only be described by one word:  miracle.  I don’t come from a wealthy family of prominence.  I have never played nor won the lottery.  At first, I didn’t have any experience in financial management, my name was not and is still not followed by the letters CPA, nor did I have a savings account or ROTH IRA.   I didn’t know how to fundraise and there wasn’t a rich uncle in the picture.  My job paid well for my age and especially without a degree, but by no means was it enough to travel the world as often as I wanted! 

In the winter of 2003, I sat in my church still consumed with a longing to change and be changed in Africa.  I longed for freedom from the American Dream.  Africa was tugging at my heart and had been for over a year.  Now was the time.

 I looked at a friend sitting next to me and said, with visions of banana trees in my eyes, “I want to go to Africa.” 

Surprisingly, her response was an elated, “Me, too!” 

“I want to work with Orphans.” I implored.

“I want to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro.” She responded.

“Let’s go work with orphans and climb Mt. Kilimanjaro!”  I declared.

“OK!” She responded.  God took notice of this one quick conversation.   He teaches in His bible that His eyes roam to and fro the earth searching for a heart that is seeking Him fully.  My friend and I were.  That night as we worshipped the Lord at our young adult’s church service, I knew in my Spirit that the Lord was sending me to Africa and I’d be gone for nearly a month, returning in time for school to begin again.  It was such a specific Word from the Lord that I shared it with a spiritual mentor of mine.  Her response: “If it is God, it will happen.”

The next day at school, the pulling of Africa remained heavy on my heart.  I sprawled on the couch in the lounge, looking at the ceiling with orphan children surrounding my heart.  Sighing, I said to anyone who would listen, “I want to go to Africa.”

Immediately, a voice piped up, “You can go with me.”

No, it wasn't the voice of the Lord; it was a young woman who was also studying Hi Tech Youth Ministry with me.

“Really?”  I questioned, almost blinking back shock that I had just heard the words.

“Yes, I’m going to Kenya for three weeks in July.  We’ll be back in time for school to start again.”

“How much does it cost?”

“$2800 and the deposit of $250 is due in two weeks.”

Since we were going on Christmas Break, I would be able to work extra to have just enough for the deposit.  When I told my other African-dreaming friend about the trip, she was on board, too.

Later that week, I walked through the halls of my church, speaking with Pastor Rick.  He was on fire for God and the leader of the Spiritual AA I was in called “Set Free.”  As I excitedly told him of all God was doing, sending me to Africa, I explained the ways I planned to fundraise.  He exhorted, “It sounds like you’re trying to answer your prayers on your own.  Just let God do it.”  He encouraged me with Philippians 4:19, “My God shall supply all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”  I began praying harder and planning less.  I hung the verse on my computer at work to remind me of God’s promises.  I wrote letters describing my mission, and then left the results in God’s hands.  Money started coming in here and there from people hearing of the trip.  The first major gift was from a friend whose Uncle had passed away.  She gave me $700.  Another young lady handed me a card with $5 in it.  I was grateful for every gift.  While my mom was having friends and family over, an older, Jesus-loving Hippie couple gave me $25.  It slowly, but surely came pouring in as I asked the Lord to do what only He could do.  One particular gift that touched my heart was from a middle aged man in our church.  This was not a well-to-do man; in fact, he worked with the elderly, barely making above minimum wage.  He was not well-spoken; an awkward gentleman, but with a heart of gold, the gleam of Jesus in his eye.  He handed me an envelope with a $50 check in it.  There were people I had written, making well over six figure salaries that didn’t even respond, yet this humble man was giving out of such need.  It touches my heart every time I think of it and challenges me to give out of need or abundance.  After the first wave of money came in, the blessings started to trickle, leaving me in a faith crisis.  I still needed $1350.  I had sold about $200 in fundraising items already, but felt convicted that I was to wait on the Lord.  This was a major test of faith for me.  I sought God’s face hard, fasted, prayed, and waited. 

In the meantime, I made a trip to the aviary with my dad.  It was so good to have a clean, sober Dad.  I enjoyed being in nature with him, even if it was within a building.  As we walked through the Aviary, I admired the globes showing where each bird came from.  I slid my hand over the gold and black globe and prayed, “Lord, I’d love a globe.”  We continued our day, enjoying our daddy/daughter time.   Upon my return home, I found a black garbage bag sitting on our dining room table.   “That is so disgusting,” I thought, “who in their right mind leaves trash on the table.”  Mom walked in at that moment and said, “Dawny, that’s for you.  It’s from Philip,” the deacon at the Second Baptist Church in Carnegie.  I opened the garbage bag to find a globe.  I stood in awe of God, and sensed the Holy Spirit, “The same God that heard your cry for a globe will provide for you to go to Africa.”  At that moment Philip walked in with a huge smile, “Hi, Dawn!  Do you like that globe?  Someone was throwing it away and asked if I knew anyone that would like it and I thought of you.”  No one knew I prayed for a globe just hours earlier.  I shared with enthusiasm my excitement of what the Lord had done and Philip handed me an envelope.  On the outside was written, “My God shall supply all your needs according to His Glorious abundance in Christ Jesus.”  Inside was a fifty dollar check.

I continued to spend time in prayer while the deadline for final payment loomed.  To be honest, I was scared.  What if God doesn’t come through? What if I should have been fundraising this entire time? While in prayer, the Lord showed me a business owner that would be paying off my trip.  Was I hearing right?  Tony, the owner of Tennis Roofing was to pay off my Africa trip?  I prayed, “Lord, put it on his heart to pay for this trip, if this is from you.”  Over the next several weeks I continued to pray for Tony.  Early one Saturday morning, I woke up to a prompting from the Holy Spirit, “Go to Set Free class.  If not, you’ll miss your blessing.”  Upon arriving to class, I was met by several people I loved that had experienced freedom from addiction through Christ.  I smiled, reached my hand across the table and shook Tony’s  hand.  I silently prayed the entire class, well, I screamed prayers to God, “Tell Him to give me the money!  I needed it yesterday!” 

At the end of the class, Tony asked, “Dawn, how much more money do you need to go to Africa?” 

“$1300,” I answered. 

“See my wife tomorrow and she’ll give you a check.” 

I was blown away, “Thank you!” I shouted. 

“I kept sensing that I was to give you the money, but I wanted to make sure it was God.” 

I laughed saying, “I knew you were supposed to give me the money, too and I kept asking God to tell you if you were supposed to!” 

The next day, I met up with Rhonda who said, “How much do you need, $1500?” 

“No, $1300,” I replied, yet I took notice that the amount she offered was the exact amount I would have needed had I not fundraised.  Nothing is Impossible with God.